What Did Jesus Say About Marriage?

Saying “I do” is the easy part. And there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be. On the day you make your vows, you and your spouse have a lot to look forward to. The excitement of saying “yes” to your person forever–along with the support you feel from your friends and family–make the wedding day joyous.

But how can we know what the “in sickness and in health” vow will really mean before we’ve had a chance to test it? How many young and in-love couples have heard it said, “You will have hard times”? They nod and smile while thinking, Not us. Physically, they’re present and listening while someone older and wiser tries to tell them what life together really looks like. But mentally, they’re not even in the room—they’re walking down a beach hand in hand.

And yet, even when they’re standing at the altar, they’re still in the shallow end, about to jump into deeper waters. Wouldn’t it make sense to listen to someone wiser?

When the religious leaders of his day questioned Jesus about marriage, his words spoke directly into the deep end. And the truths he speaks of can mean the difference between life and death for a relationship. So, some possible guideposts for your journey beyond “I do” may be found in the things Jesus said about marriage.

Jesus Is Tested

If you thought this article was off to a serious start on the topic of marriage, wait till you read the question the Pharisees had for Jesus! They followed him to Judea and initiated the longest-recorded conversation Jesus had about husbands and wives.

“Some Pharisees came to test him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?’” (Matthew 19:3). They didn’t even come to him for marriage advice but for divorce advice!

The way they asked it sounds like they were fishing for black-and-white answers. But rather than respond to their surface question by saying, “Here are reasons to divorce, and here are reasons not to,” Jesus took them back to the beginning.

What God Has Joined Together

[Jesus] answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:4–6)

Perhaps Jesus reminded them of the big picture of marriage because the rabbis of his day had forgotten it. “The Pharisees themselves debated the grounds for divorce implied in Deuteronomy 24:1–4: the school of Shammai, predominant in Jesus’ day, argued that the passage allowed divorce only if one’s spouse was unfaithful; the school of Hillel, which eventually won out, said that a man could divorce his wife if she burned the toast (a later rabbi of this school added, ‘Or if you find someone more attractive’!).”1

If we all were to call it quits over matters like burnt toast, the divorce rate would be even higher than it is today! No, marriage is a promise more pervasive than the smell of burning bread (or the sound of the smoke alarm).

When Jesus said, “Have you not read …” he was referring to Genesis 2 (the creation story). The “one flesh” idea of marriage is part of God’s original design. It doesn’t mean that you live like you’re attached at the hip or lose your individual wills and personalities. It’s more of an idea of operating as one unit.But it can only happen safely within the context of the commitment of marriage.

Marriage is a chance not just to receive love, but to give love, come what may.

One definition of that kind of commitment puts it this way:

Commitment implies pledging oneself to someone when one has no prior obligation to do so, or keeping such a pledge of commitment no matter what happens.2

Marriage is a chance not just to receive love, but to give love, come what may.

So, why do we come together and stick together when the dinner is burning (or when sickness or poverty comes, or when our families warn us not to)? We continually choose one another because we promised we would. But there are other reasons why Jesus said, “Let not man separate.”

Unity and Community

Even couples who’ve been married for many years are still learning what “one flesh” means. One flesh is not one soul or one mind. It seems like it’s more about operating as a unit. You live together and do life together and all the rest of it. And in some indescribable way, you’re deeply connected.

When couples prepare to walk down the aisle, they’re often thinking of all the things they have in common. Do they remember that all people change over time? Yet one of the blessings of marriage is that it’s a safe place for both individuals to learn and grow. And one of its challenges is to continue getting to know one another through those changes.

Any two people in the world will have differences on some level. But Jesus exhorted us to go on living as one flesh and staying committed in love even when conflicts arise. The true beauty of marriage comes when two people who are very different find unity anyway.3

The paradigm of good relationships in Jesus’ mind was that marriage shelters and protects the vulnerable in society. Marriage also provides the framework for the creation and preservation of life.

Ancient marriages weren’t just about unity between two people; they were about the survival of your community. Having children meant the continuation of your people, and those children would then grow up to care for you in your old age. It might seem selfish to us to think of our children as a sort of “retirement plan,” but in the ancient world, people in different generations depended on one another.

Other ancient customs like the levirate marriage may sound distasteful to us, but they were really just built-in protections for women. The purpose of community was to protect, cultivate, and flourish in the interconnected life God had created us for.

In a song of praise about all God’s ways of providing for us, David said, “God sets the lonely in families,” (Psalm 68:6 NIV). Marriage is intended to be a foundation for family and a springboard for greater community (for the unmarried, keep reading!).

Security

A friend was recently widowed. Up until the day of his unexpected death, her late husband dutifully cared for their lawn and garden; theirs was the most magazine-worthy yard on the street.

For the first few weeks after his death, the lawn lay unkempt. Then one day, her grandson surprised her. The delight on her face when he showed up with his truck and tools was about more than just having the grass cut. It was about knowing that she wasn’t alone.

Part of the meaning of marriage, both in Jesus’ day and today, is to provide security that lasts.

That’s not to say that we get married and have children in hopes that someday, some strapping young grandson will come over and mow the lawn. Nor is it to say that marriage and children are the only way to ensure security as we grow older. God has many ways of providing family, community, and care for the ones who trust Him.

It’s just to say that at least part of the meaning of marriage, both in Jesus’ day and today, is to provide physical and emotional security that lasts.

More than Words

After Jesus gave his lesson on the permanency of marriage, the Pharisees asked him, “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (Matthew 19:7).

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard” (v. 8).
There’s a lot to unpack in that statement, but one important takeaway is that divorce can often come from a hardness of heart. But then, what does that mean?

A “hard heart” means more than just emotion. For the Bible, your heart means your mind and your will as well. When Pharaoh has a hard heart in the story of the Exodus, he sets his whole being against anything that ordinary reason or compassion would tell him.

Sadly, a similar kind of hardening can happen in marriage. And it usually expresses itself in negative communication behaviors—especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.4

Most of us have been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, and if we’re honest, we’ve seen it at times in ourselves as well. When our hearts get hard toward our partners, our words to them become harsh; we roll our eyes at the things they do and say; when they seem the least bit critical of our own behavior, we immediately get defensive; when they want to get closer, we shut the door and lock them out.

That is the kind of attitude toward our spouses that Jesus says God never intended for us. And that is the attitude that makes divorce nearly inevitable if it’s not healed.

How would Jesus suggest that we heal a hard heart? Jesus implies that the key is healing our relationship with God. His statement, “because your hearts were hard” implies a hardness to both God and spouse, and the relationship with God is primary. Soften your heart to God. If we let God’s love affirm our value and heal our inner wounds, then we’ll be really free to love our spouses the way that we promised on our wedding days.

And it’s that kind of unearned love that Jesus not only taught, but lived.

When he was walking through Samaria in the heat of the day, he saw a woman who had had five husbands and was now living with a man. We don’t know why they had all discarded her. And we don’t know what was going through her head as she sat by the well, alone. But we can imagine that she might have been thinking about the broken pieces of her life.

Jesus sat down at the well and talked to her. He didn’t give her a self-help guide on how to pick up the broken pieces. He didn’t lecture her on the dangers of divorce. He gave her himself. By that we mean that he gave her his time. He listened with a soft heart, and he showed her that he knew her. Then he told her who he was. She was actually the first person to whom he openly disclosed his identity.5

There are many other stories that illustrate what Jesus believed about relationships and how he treated women and men. To understand those, we would encourage you to read the Gospels for yourself.

The Best of Men and Women

As much as married couples would like to be able to give and receive love perfectly, they can’t.

We should seek to grow, and we should hope for happy marriages. But we all burn toast sometimes. As someone more aptly put it, “The best of men are men at best.”6 Based on some of the things Jesus said, we think he might have agreed with that statement. (And we mean to say that it applies to women too.)

So, as much as you love your spouse, they will never satisfy every longing of your heart. And as good and satisfying as marriage can be, even the best relationships are still very human.

So, when you find that something in your life is lacking, we would encourage you to remember the One who does promise to meet all your needs. The psalmist gave us some words to guide that kind of prayer: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26).

And all relationships need some type of support at one point or another. If you’d like support for your Jewish-Gentile relationship, contact us here. We’d love to help!

Endnotes

1. Craig S. Keener, The IVP Bible Background Commentary: New Testament (Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 1994), Matt. 19:1–3.

2. John Goldingay, Psalms: Psalms 42–89, Baker Commentary on the Old Testament Wisdom and Psalms (Ada: Baker Academic, 2007), 2:697.

3. At the same time, we know that differences exist that are truly irreconcilable. Sometimes when one partner is participating in something like abuse, addiction, or adultery, the other partner must get out to protect themselves (and in some cases, the children). If that’s you, reach out to someone in your community for help. You can also message us for prayer or referrals.

4. Ellie Lisitsa, “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” The Gottman Institute, accessed 7/22/2024. See also:  This One Thing is the Biggest Predictor of Divorce, and the first chapter of Malcolm Gladwell’s bestseller Blink.

5. See John 4:1–30 for the biblical account of the woman at the well.

6. A proverb that’s been around so long, no one seems to know who to attribute it to.